Thanks for dropping by. My passion is people. My mission is helping individuals and churches discover who they are, who they want to be and and what's required to get there. "Clarity-Direction-Action" This site is designed to be informative. We hope you will take the time to read the features we provide. This month we are talking about relationships.
This is lunch in Montreal a few years ago. Louanne and I will celebrate our 40 year anniversary next year with our three daughters and 5 grand children. Truth telling was a process for us, we still struggle from time to time to know exactly when the timing is right- to tell the truth-the whole truth.When is it the right time to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Relationships that grow, develop and endure have learned to tell the truth no matter how ugly, awkward or uncomfortable it might be. I was chatting with someone the other day who was expressing how frustrating it was living a lie. However, I think she is still deciding whether or not she wants to endure the pain, and what it will take to re-engage with real truth and real love.
Ever wonder why some relationships don’t last? Many times they are not built on truth. They are fake, built on illusion, not reality. Relationships can be tricky but truth telling is an absolute essential element if you want to build a loving, giving, trust-filled partnership. So here are three road signs for you to follow in knowing when it is time to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Road Sign One - When things seem funky. Relationships, like life, have ebbs and flows. That’s to be expected. But when an overall sense begins to surface that something is just not right here, then it is time. Time to tell the truth, time to say, “When you do this, this is how it makes me feel and it is not ok.” Rather than laughing it off, ignoring it or shoving it somewhere deep into the inner recesses of your soul where it sure to resurface at some point, tell the truth. Behaviors that destroy trust and love cannot be ignored or put off for extended periods of time if you expect your relationship to grow, develop and endure.
Road Sign Two - When you have earned the right. Deep honest truth telling can only take place when the person you’re telling the truth to knows that you have their best interest in mind. Until that is known deep within their souls, they are not likely to be open to hearing what it is you have to say. It is all about love. A friend of mine (Gwendolyn) put it this way: “Trooping in, with opinions, and truths (for there is ALWAYS a mix of both!) is not ok. I should pause to think, “How would this person take this statement from ME? Do I have a relationship with them? Have I shown any love to them? Do they feel loved to the point that I could place the truth out there for them, and it would be accepted?”
Road Sign Three - Tell the truth in a way that it can be heard. It cannot be over asked or over emphasized. Have I gone out of my way to show that I care, that I am invested and that I am not bailing but willing to work on whatever core issue might surface? Once that is established, it provides a solid working space for difficult conversations to take place. No matter what good intentions you might have, if your demeanor and communication come across as angry, or that it is your right to point out sins and flaws, your truth telling session will be over before it even starts. So tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but tell it in a way that can be heard.
This is lunch in Montreal a few years ago. Louanne and I will celebrate our 40 year anniversary next year with our three daughters and 5 grand children. We have discovered over the years the importance of boundaries. Here are 5 boundaries we have come to love and respect.
Ever notice this paradox? People want to be known and loved. They also desire to love and know. Throw in some innate self reliance, independence and a desire to be my own man or woman and you have a deadly combination - the undeniable bent toward self sufficiency and self reliance, but the desire for companionship and relationship. Thus lies the paradox of being human and being built for relationship. Think about that for a moment. I want to be my own person, but I need relationship, which enviably means that I am not totally free to be me, because I have you, but I need you, so I will deal with it.
Do you see the problem, perhaps slight difficulty on the horizon? We want aloneness and independence (we want to free and autonomous) but we need interdependence and relationship (closeness, connection and intimacy). If our desire is to have harmonious, healthy and enduring relationships here are 5 boundaries you might not only want to become aware of, but begin to actively discuss and practice within your relationships.
1/ Feelings - You violate the boundary when:2/ Intentions, Desires and Motives - You violate this boundary when:
Ø You assume you know what the person thinks or wants
Ø You communicate you know a person’s motivation
Ø You expect a person to know your unspoken wishes
3/ Thoughts, Opinions and Beliefs - You violate this boundary when:
Ø You negate, contradict or interrupt a person’s thoughts
Ø You speak for another person
Ø Tell a person what to think or believe
4/ Family of Origin - You violate this boundary when:
Ø You criticise a person’s family
Ø You claim to understand a person’s experience
5/ Experience of the Body - You violate this boundary when:
Ø You minimize a person’s pain
Ø You assume a person has the same physical experience as your own
This post was inspired by the work of Rev. Mark Carlson. See a much more in-depth handling of this subject:http://www.newchurch.org/connection/issues/family-relationships/boundaries.html?gclid=CI36xP79qq0CFUHRKgodI025mQ
This is lunch in Montreal a few years ago. Louanne and I will celebrate our 40 year anniversary next year with our three daughters and 5 grand children. We love being married and at this point in or lives we honestly say we are best friends. Here is the third blog in this series where I talk about a critical issue all couples must master - Fighting Fair. Disagreements, arguments, our partners doing and saying things that annoy us or with which we disagree, it’s all part and parcel of what we call a relationship. What determines a healthy and lasting partnership is how we handle those inevitable disagreements. How do you fight? Do your fights end well? Or are you left feeling like someone has won and someone has lost? Have you felt judged, belittled and hammered upon? Is every argument “your fault?” If you have experienced any of those feelings on a regular basis, may I suggest a better way to fight and settle the disputes within your relationship?
1- Honour Relational Commitment –“This argument is never the argument that will end the relationship. I am committed to you for the long haul and we will work this out.” When our partners do something wrong we tend to criticize and point out the 100 things that are wrong with them. That tends to engage the emotional side of his or her brain, and can very easily begin to exacerbate every little argument into the argument that will end the relationship. If you know ahead of time that your partner is dedicated to you and to this relationship, that provides a tremendous freedom to explore without fear (of losing the relationship) what it is that went wrong and how together you will move toward amiable resolution. Never having to fear the loss of the relationship over an argument, is a core component of an enduring partnership.
2- Avoid the Blame Game - Blame and judgement only further conflict and inspire the kinds of emotional outbursts that are neither needed nor helpful. I have discovered the sooner you can get the conversation from “What happened?” and “Whose fault was it?” to “What is it that you really want here ?” “How could we get that accomplished?”, the more likely the disagreement will create growth and opportunity rather than be a force of further relational destruction. Avoiding blame and judgement is an important piece of relational advice.
3 - Create Healthy Distance and Space- Do you know who you are, even before you move into a relationship? Might seem like a moot question, but two people need to be comfortable with who they are, long before they decide to move into a “oneness” relationship. Relationships work best when both individuals display a solid perspective of who they are as singles, before they enter a relationship that requires change and compromise to grow as one. Once that has been established, and arguments arise, it is important to understand distance and space as an important aspect of ending a fight well. By nature some of us take longer than others to process our feelings and emotions. It often takes time and space before we can talk about it rationally. Strive to know your partner well enough to honour that, or you may experience disastrous results. In order for any argument to be settled well, your partner must be convinced that you have compassion, empathy, love and respect for them. Although I would suggest keeping very short accounts and not prolonging dealing with issues, never enter the "Tunnel of Chaos” if you haven’t had healthy distance and space to communicate those qualities prior to the resolution process. Otherwise they may begin to believe, emotionally, that this is the argument that will end the relationship.
Learning to fight well takes time and a great deal of commitment. It’s a process that often takes many years to perfect. May I suggest, if you are fighting regularly and it is creating distance rather than intimacy, seek help quickly. Your lasting, loving and enduring relationship may depend on it.
This is lunch in Montreal a few years ago. Louanne and I will celebrate our 40 year anniversary next year with our three daughters and 5 grand children. We love being married and seek to help those who struggle in their relationships. Our communication skills have not always been the best but have been improving steadily over the past 10 or so years.Relationships that endure require care, work, time, togetherness and, above all else, GREAT COMMUNICATION. As a professional who makes his living at communicating, I still do not consider myself as having arrived. However here are few tips, that Louey and I have discovered along the way that I hope you'll find helpful. Please leave your comments and I will personally respond to each one.
1/ Active Listening - Listen to your partner, I mean really listen. Most of the time we are most concerned about how what is being said is affecting us. We want to talk and express how we feel. Have you ever caught yourself preparing your rebuttal as your partner or friend is expressing their opinion? The Clue Phone is ringing....you are not listening! You have extrapolated one thought and now you are busy in your mind defending your hypothesis. This is not active listening. If you don’t believe me, I dare you to ask this set of questions after your next conversation with someone you care about. Do you feel I have listened to you? Do you feel that I understand? Do you feel that I care about you and what you have said? Are we finished this conversation or do we have more to talk about? If you get a positive response to all those inquiries....now I’d say....you have listened.
2/ Trust and Respect - Do you live your life in such a way that the people you desire to communicate most effectively with trust and respect you? Respect and trust is built through listening without judgement or, criticising the other person’s perspective, ideas, beliefs or feelings. This takes time, maturity, intention and a lot of practice.
3/ Share the Decision Making - Healthy relationships are equal partnerships with both parties playing their roles as one. Take a “team approach” to decision making and problem solving. When tough times come your way, remember you are both on the same team seeking the same goals. Relationships that are best pictures as “tugs of war” will not endure over time.
4/ Fight Fair - Learn how to love the person but hate the behaviours, and communicate that well. I think this is one of the most under-learned and under-practiced quality in many relationships today. Many relationships are based on “if you do what I want you to do” and “be what I want you to be” then we can have a relationship. Un-conditional love and respect says “Let the person be what they were created to be and learn to love that.” Knowing where your partner is vulnerable, and attacking that during conflict, is a sure way to destroy what may have taken years to build in trust and respect.
Please leave your comments or contact me privately at 519-501-9531.
1/Communication- Not talking or too much talking with no real listening, connection, synergy or solutions being created.
2/ Financial Stress-Many relationships begin pre-programmed for financial disaster. Financial peace is often absent within most relationships.
3/ Infidelity-Goes without saying few relationships can survive this experience.
4/ Different Priorities- Couples often start out on the same page but over time they drift apart and live separate lives never coming back to center to re-align themselves..
5/ Physical, Sexual or Emotional Abuse- Christian Author and Psychologist Larry Crabb says...Often unhealthy people often hook up with unhealthy people....he calls it the “two ticks” and “no dog” syndrome.
What to Do About It
A comprehensive What to Do About It, is way beyond the possibility of this one simple blog but perhaps I can get you started.
1/ Recognise and Admit it Early-Whatever it is that is that going wrong, be smart enough to recognise it, talk about and begin to work on it immediately. Often couples find it is easier to let it slide and let it slide they do. :( From my own experiences and the tons of reading I have done on relational conflict, I find most couples takes 3-5 years struggling before they seek help. In my opinion, most times, that is too late too much collateral damage has taken place. Short accounts are always a good policy.
2/ Cultivate Great Communication Skills- Talking and sharing your side of something , is not communication, no matter how loud and how boisterous you may become it still not listening. Good communication is multi dimensional and difficult to achieve at times. Here is a simple test you can take after the next time you and your partner experience a topic of slight disagreeance. Once the dust has settled be brave and open enough to ask a series of questions like this; Do you feel I have listened to you? Do you feel that I understand? Do you feel that I care about you and what you have said? Are we finished this conversation or do we have more to talk about? Now I’d say....you have listened.
3/ Seek Help- Whether it be communication, financial stress, infidelity or a host of other difficulties, seek help and seek help fast. In our modern world self-help is at our finger tips, the library, the internet, cd’s, mp3’s and friends often provide a plethora of re-sources. One caution however, If self-help is not sufficient or over time proves not to helpful, then turn to counsellors, coaches, clergy, or more experienced friends. No matter who or what it is you decide to do - decide to get help. One more tip, if the help you are getting doesn’t seem to be helping, seek another source quickly. Talking freely and honestly about your problems with people you trust and that can provide help, while working together, instead of working against each other, often generates new ideas and produces the growth you need to overcome the problems you face.
