Fight Fair -You Will Fight...So Learn to Fight Well

This is lunch in Montreal a few years ago. Louanne and I will celebrate our 40 year anniversary next year with our three daughters and 5 grand children. We love being married and at this point in or lives we honestly say we are best friends. Here is the third blog in this series where I talk about a critical issue all couples must master - Fighting Fair.

Disagreements, arguments, our partners doing and saying things that annoy us or with which we disagree, it’s all part and parcel of what we call a relationship. What determines a healthy and lasting partnership is how we handle those inevitable disagreements. How do you fight? Do your fights end well? Or are you left feeling like someone has won and someone has lost? Have you felt judged, belittled and hammered upon? Is every argument “your fault?” If you have experienced any of those feelings on a regular basis, may I suggest a better way to fight and settle the disputes within your relationship?

1- Honour Relational Commitment –“This argument is never the argument that will end the relationship. I am committed to you for the long haul and we will work this out.” When our partners do something wrong we tend to criticize and point out the 100 things that are wrong with them. That tends to engage the emotional side of his or her brain, and can very easily begin to exacerbate every little argument into the argument that will end the relationship. If you know ahead of time that your partner is dedicated to you and to this relationship, that provides a tremendous freedom to explore without fear (of losing the relationship) what it is that went wrong and how together you will move toward amiable resolution. Never having to fear the loss of the relationship over an argument, is a core component of an enduring partnership.

2- Avoid the Blame Game - Blame and judgement only further conflict and inspire the kinds of emotional outbursts that are neither needed nor helpful. I have discovered the sooner you can get the conversation from “What happened?” and “Whose fault was it?” to “What is it that you really want here ?” “How could we get that accomplished?”, the more likely the disagreement will create growth and opportunity rather than be a force of further relational destruction. Avoiding blame and judgement is an important piece of relational advice.

3 - Create Healthy Distance and Space- Do you know who you are, even before you move into a relationship? Might seem like a moot question, but two people need to be comfortable with who they are, long before they decide to move into a “oneness” relationship. Relationships work best when both individuals display a solid perspective of who they are as singles, before they enter a relationship that requires change and compromise to grow as one. Once that has been established, and arguments arise, it is important to understand distance and space as an important aspect of ending a fight well. By nature some of us take longer than others to process our feelings and emotions. It often takes time and space before we can talk about it rationally. Strive to know your partner well enough to honour that, or you may experience disastrous results. In order for any argument to be settled well, your partner must be convinced that you have compassion, empathy, love and respect for them. Although I would suggest keeping very short accounts and not prolonging dealing with issues, never enter the "Tunnel of Chaos” if you haven’t had healthy distance and space to communicate those qualities prior to the resolution process. Otherwise they may begin to believe, emotionally, that this is the argument that will end the relationship.

Learning to fight well takes time and a great deal of commitment. It’s a process that often takes many years to perfect. May I suggest, if you are fighting regularly and it is creating distance rather than intimacy, seek help quickly. Your lasting, loving and enduring relationship may depend on it.