When Do I Tell the Truth?

This is lunch in Montreal a few years ago. Louanne and I will celebrate our 40 year anniversary next year with our three daughters and 5 grand children. Truth telling was a process for us, we still struggle from time to time to know exactly when the timing is right- to tell the truth-the whole truth.

Most people go through their entire lives without anyone, ever, speaking honest, loving, direct words to the most damaging issues in their lives." John Elderege

When is it the right time to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Relationships that grow, develop and endure have learned to tell the truth no matter how ugly, awkward or uncomfortable it might be. I was chatting with someone the other day who was expressing how frustrating it was living a lie. However, I think she is still deciding whether or not she wants to endure the pain, and what it will take to re-engage with real truth and real love.

Ever wonder why some relationships don’t last? Many times they are not built on truth. They are fake, built on illusion, not reality. Relationships can be tricky but truth telling is an absolute essential element if you want to build a loving, giving, trust-filled partnership. So here are three road signs for you to follow in knowing when it is time to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Road Sign One - When things seem funky. Relationships, like life, have ebbs and flows. That’s to be expected. But when an overall sense begins to surface that something is just not right here, then it is time. Time to tell the truth, time to say, “When you do this, this is how it makes me feel and it is not ok.” Rather than laughing it off, ignoring it or shoving it somewhere deep into the inner recesses of your soul where it sure to resurface at some point, tell the truth. Behaviors that destroy trust and love cannot be ignored or put off for extended periods of time if you expect your relationship to grow, develop and endure.

Road Sign Two - When you have earned the right. Deep honest truth telling can only take place when the person you’re telling the truth to knows that you have their best interest in mind. Until that is known deep within their souls, they are not likely to be open to hearing what it is you have to say. It is all about love. A friend of mine (Gwendolyn) put it this way: “Trooping in, with opinions, and truths (for there is ALWAYS a mix of both!) is not ok. I should pause to think, “How would this person take this statement from ME? Do I have a relationship with them? Have I shown any love to them? Do they feel loved to the point that I could place the truth out there for them, and it would be accepted?”

Road Sign Three - Tell the truth in a way that it can be heard. It cannot be over asked or over emphasized. Have I gone out of my way to show that I care, that I am invested and that I am not bailing but willing to work on whatever core issue might surface? Once that is established, it provides a solid working space for difficult conversations to take place. No matter what good intentions you might have, if your demeanor and communication come across as angry, or that it is your right to point out sins and flaws, your truth telling session will be over before it even starts. So tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but tell it in a way that can be heard.