Breakthrough Life Coaching Solutions

January is all about...Relationships

2012-12-07T12:34:00.016-05:00

Thanks for dropping by. My passion is people. My mission is helping individuals and churches discover who they are, who they want to be and and what's required to get there. "Clarity-Direction-Action" This site is designed to be informative. We hope you will take the time to read the features we provide. This month we are talking about relationships.

Joel Bennett - Life Coach for Life's little Messes.

When Do I Tell the Truth?

2012-01-11T18:45:00.005-05:00

This is lunch in Montreal a few years ago. Louanne and I will celebrate our 40 year anniversary next year with our three daughters and 5 grand children. Truth telling was a process for us, we still struggle from time to time to know exactly when the timing is right- to tell the truth-the whole truth.

Most people go through their entire lives without anyone, ever, speaking honest, loving, direct words to the most damaging issues in their lives." John Elderege

When is it the right time to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Relationships that grow, develop and endure have learned to tell the truth no matter how ugly, awkward or uncomfortable it might be. I was chatting with someone the other day who was expressing how frustrating it was living a lie. However, I think she is still deciding whether or not she wants to endure the pain, and what it will take to re-engage with real truth and real love.

Ever wonder why some relationships don’t last? Many times they are not built on truth. They are fake, built on illusion, not reality. Relationships can be tricky but truth telling is an absolute essential element if you want to build a loving, giving, trust-filled partnership. So here are three road signs for you to follow in knowing when it is time to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Road Sign One - When things seem funky. Relationships, like life, have ebbs and flows. That’s to be expected. But when an overall sense begins to surface that something is just not right here, then it is time. Time to tell the truth, time to say, “When you do this, this is how it makes me feel and it is not ok.” Rather than laughing it off, ignoring it or shoving it somewhere deep into the inner recesses of your soul where it sure to resurface at some point, tell the truth. Behaviors that destroy trust and love cannot be ignored or put off for extended periods of time if you expect your relationship to grow, develop and endure.

Road Sign Two - When you have earned the right. Deep honest truth telling can only take place when the person you’re telling the truth to knows that you have their best interest in mind. Until that is known deep within their souls, they are not likely to be open to hearing what it is you have to say. It is all about love. A friend of mine (Gwendolyn) put it this way: “Trooping in, with opinions, and truths (for there is ALWAYS a mix of both!) is not ok. I should pause to think, “How would this person take this statement from ME? Do I have a relationship with them? Have I shown any love to them? Do they feel loved to the point that I could place the truth out there for them, and it would be accepted?”

Road Sign Three - Tell the truth in a way that it can be heard. It cannot be over asked or over emphasized. Have I gone out of my way to show that I care, that I am invested and that I am not bailing but willing to work on whatever core issue might surface? Once that is established, it provides a solid working space for difficult conversations to take place. No matter what good intentions you might have, if your demeanor and communication come across as angry, or that it is your right to point out sins and flaws, your truth telling session will be over before it even starts. So tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but tell it in a way that can be heard.

5 Boundaries For Healthy Enduring Relationships

2012-01-09T18:41:00.005-05:00

This is lunch in Montreal a few years ago. Louanne and I will celebrate our 40 year anniversary next year with our three daughters and 5 grand children. We have discovered over the years the importance of boundaries. Here are 5 boundaries we have come to love and respect.

Ever notice this paradox? People want to be known and loved. They also desire to love and know. Throw in some innate self reliance, independence and a desire to be my own man or woman and you have a deadly combination - the undeniable bent toward self sufficiency and self reliance, but the desire for companionship and relationship. Thus lies the paradox of being human and being built for relationship. Think about that for a moment. I want to be my own person, but I need relationship, which enviably means that I am not totally free to be me, because I have you, but I need you, so I will deal with it.

Do you see the problem, perhaps slight difficulty on the horizon? We want aloneness and independence (we want to free and autonomous) but we need interdependence and relationship (closeness, connection and intimacy). If our desire is to have harmonious, healthy and enduring relationships here are 5 boundaries you might not only want to become aware of, but begin to actively discuss and practice within your relationships.

1/ Feelings - You violate the boundary when:

You tell a person when to feel and what to feel

You claim you know how the person is feeling

2/ Intentions, Desires and Motives - You violate this boundary when:

Ø You assume you know what the person thinks or wants

Ø You communicate you know a person’s motivation

Ø You expect a person to know your unspoken wishes

3/ Thoughts, Opinions and Beliefs - You violate this boundary when:

Ø You negate, contradict or interrupt a person’s thoughts

Ø You speak for another person

Ø Tell a person what to think or believe

4/ Family of Origin - You violate this boundary when:

Ø You criticise a person’s family

Ø You claim to understand a person’s experience

5/ Experience of the Body - You violate this boundary when:

Ø You minimize a person’s pain

Ø You assume a person has the same physical experience as your own

This post was inspired by the work of Rev. Mark Carlson. See a much more in-depth handling of this subject:

http://www.newchurch.org/connection/issues/family-relationships/boundaries.html?gclid=CI36xP79qq0CFUHRKgodI025mQ

Fight Fair -You Will Fight...So Learn to Fight Well

2012-01-04T18:41:00.008-05:00

This is lunch in Montreal a few years ago. Louanne and I will celebrate our 40 year anniversary next year with our three daughters and 5 grand children. We love being married and at this point in or lives we honestly say we are best friends. Here is the third blog in this series where I talk about a critical issue all couples must master - Fighting Fair.

Disagreements, arguments, our partners doing and saying things that annoy us or with which we disagree, it’s all part and parcel of what we call a relationship. What determines a healthy and lasting partnership is how we handle those inevitable disagreements. How do you fight? Do your fights end well? Or are you left feeling like someone has won and someone has lost? Have you felt judged, belittled and hammered upon? Is every argument “your fault?” If you have experienced any of those feelings on a regular basis, may I suggest a better way to fight and settle the disputes within your relationship?

1- Honour Relational Commitment –“This argument is never the argument that will end the relationship. I am committed to you for the long haul and we will work this out.” When our partners do something wrong we tend to criticize and point out the 100 things that are wrong with them. That tends to engage the emotional side of his or her brain, and can very easily begin to exacerbate every little argument into the argument that will end the relationship. If you know ahead of time that your partner is dedicated to you and to this relationship, that provides a tremendous freedom to explore without fear (of losing the relationship) what it is that went wrong and how together you will move toward amiable resolution. Never having to fear the loss of the relationship over an argument, is a core component of an enduring partnership.

2- Avoid the Blame Game - Blame and judgement only further conflict and inspire the kinds of emotional outbursts that are neither needed nor helpful. I have discovered the sooner you can get the conversation from “What happened?” and “Whose fault was it?” to “What is it that you really want here ?” “How could we get that accomplished?”, the more likely the disagreement will create growth and opportunity rather than be a force of further relational destruction. Avoiding blame and judgement is an important piece of relational advice.

3 - Create Healthy Distance and Space- Do you know who you are, even before you move into a relationship? Might seem like a moot question, but two people need to be comfortable with who they are, long before they decide to move into a “oneness” relationship. Relationships work best when both individuals display a solid perspective of who they are as singles, before they enter a relationship that requires change and compromise to grow as one. Once that has been established, and arguments arise, it is important to understand distance and space as an important aspect of ending a fight well. By nature some of us take longer than others to process our feelings and emotions. It often takes time and space before we can talk about it rationally. Strive to know your partner well enough to honour that, or you may experience disastrous results. In order for any argument to be settled well, your partner must be convinced that you have compassion, empathy, love and respect for them. Although I would suggest keeping very short accounts and not prolonging dealing with issues, never enter the "Tunnel of Chaos” if you haven’t had healthy distance and space to communicate those qualities prior to the resolution process. Otherwise they may begin to believe, emotionally, that this is the argument that will end the relationship.

Learning to fight well takes time and a great deal of commitment. It’s a process that often takes many years to perfect. May I suggest, if you are fighting regularly and it is creating distance rather than intimacy, seek help quickly. Your lasting, loving and enduring relationship may depend on it.

4 Keys to Communication That May Save Your Relationship

2012-01-01T19:36:00.006-05:00

This is lunch in Montreal a few years ago. Louanne and I will celebrate our 40 year anniversary next year with our three daughters and 5 grand children. We love being married and seek to help those who struggle in their relationships. Our communication skills have not always been the best but have been improving steadily over the past 10 or so years.

Relationships that endure require care, work, time, togetherness and, above all else, GREAT COMMUNICATION. As a professional who makes his living at communicating, I still do not consider myself as having arrived. However here are few tips, that Louey and I have discovered along the way that I hope you'll find helpful. Please leave your comments and I will personally respond to each one.

1/ Active Listening - Listen to your partner, I mean really listen. Most of the time we are most concerned about how what is being said is affecting us. We want to talk and express how we feel. Have you ever caught yourself preparing your rebuttal as your partner or friend is expressing their opinion? The Clue Phone is ringing....you are not listening! You have extrapolated one thought and now you are busy in your mind defending your hypothesis. This is not active listening. If you don’t believe me, I dare you to ask this set of questions after your next conversation with someone you care about. Do you feel I have listened to you? Do you feel that I understand? Do you feel that I care about you and what you have said? Are we finished this conversation or do we have more to talk about? If you get a positive response to all those inquiries....now I’d say....you have listened.

2/ Trust and Respect - Do you live your life in such a way that the people you desire to communicate most effectively with trust and respect you? Respect and trust is built through listening without judgement or, criticising the other person’s perspective, ideas, beliefs or feelings. This takes time, maturity, intention and a lot of practice.

3/ Share the Decision Making - Healthy relationships are equal partnerships with both parties playing their roles as one. Take a “team approach” to decision making and problem solving. When tough times come your way, remember you are both on the same team seeking the same goals. Relationships that are best pictures as “tugs of war” will not endure over time.

4/ Fight Fair - Learn how to love the person but hate the behaviours, and communicate that well. I think this is one of the most under-learned and under-practiced quality in many relationships today. Many relationships are based on “if you do what I want you to do” and “be what I want you to be” then we can have a relationship. Un-conditional love and respect says “Let the person be what they were created to be and learn to love that.” Knowing where your partner is vulnerable, and attacking that during conflict, is a sure way to destroy what may have taken years to build in trust and respect.

Please leave your comments or contact me privately at 519-501-9531.

5 Reasons Marriage Relationships Fail and What to Do About It

2011-12-29T20:07:00.013-05:00

This is lunch in Montreal a few years ago. Louanne and I will celebrate our 40 year anniversary next year with our three daughters and 5 grand children. We love being married and seek to help those who struggle in their relationships.

Some statistics state that as high as 50% of marriages will fail. The most common reasons seem to fall into one of the following categories:

1/Communication- Not talking or too much talking with no real listening, connection, synergy or solutions being created.

2/ Financial Stress-Many relationships begin pre-programmed for financial disaster. Financial peace is often absent within most relationships.

3/ Infidelity-Goes without saying few relationships can survive this experience.

4/ Different Priorities- Couples often start out on the same page but over time they drift apart and live separate lives never coming back to center to re-align themselves..

5/ Physical, Sexual or Emotional Abuse- Christian Author and Psychologist Larry Crabb says...Often unhealthy people often hook up with unhealthy people....he calls it the “two ticks” and “no dog” syndrome.

What to Do About It

A comprehensive What to Do About It, is way beyond the possibility of this one simple blog but perhaps I can get you started.

1/ Recognise and Admit it Early-Whatever it is that is that going wrong, be smart enough to recognise it, talk about and begin to work on it immediately. Often couples find it is easier to let it slide and let it slide they do. :( From my own experiences and the tons of reading I have done on relational conflict, I find most couples takes 3-5 years struggling before they seek help. In my opinion, most times, that is too late too much collateral damage has taken place. Short accounts are always a good policy.

2/ Cultivate Great Communication Skills- Talking and sharing your side of something , is not communication, no matter how loud and how boisterous you may become it still not listening. Good communication is multi dimensional and difficult to achieve at times. Here is a simple test you can take after the next time you and your partner experience a topic of slight disagreeance. Once the dust has settled be brave and open enough to ask a series of questions like this; Do you feel I have listened to you? Do you feel that I understand? Do you feel that I care about you and what you have said? Are we finished this conversation or do we have more to talk about? Now I’d say....you have listened.

3/ Seek Help- Whether it be communication, financial stress, infidelity or a host of other difficulties, seek help and seek help fast. In our modern world self-help is at our finger tips, the library, the internet, cd’s, mp3’s and friends often provide a plethora of re-sources. One caution however, If self-help is not sufficient or over time proves not to helpful, then turn to counsellors, coaches, clergy, or more experienced friends. No matter who or what it is you decide to do - decide to get help. One more tip, if the help you are getting doesn’t seem to be helping, seek another source quickly. Talking freely and honestly about your problems with people you trust and that can provide help, while working together, instead of working against each other, often generates new ideas and produces the growth you need to overcome the problems you face.

Do You Know The Top Ten Life Events That Cause Stress?

2011-12-13T15:59:00.011-05:00

Do you know the top ten stressors in life? How would you order them? Once you have tried CLICK HERE for an informative article. Love to hear from you please use the comment box to tell us your thoughts.

Three Things You Should Know About Stress

2011-12-13T13:01:00.003-05:00

I asked a few of my Facebook friends to choose from and rate the following stressors in their lives. 1. Money, 2. Work, 3. Marriage, 4. Job, 5. Kids, 6. Spouse.

Here is what they listed. How does your list compare?

School, Money, Friends and Family, House Work, Angry People, Health.

Others told me that trying to please everyone stresses them. Another person said it is the unhealthy combination of time, money, job, relocating, kids, marriage, spouse, clutter, lack of sleep and an overwhelming to do list, that does her in. Starting a sentence with "No" is a big stressor for one of my friends. Another said, "It seems to me that I have way too much of one of the above or none at all (eg. way too much work, not enough money).

Well there you have it! My conclusion? Stress is a part of all our lives and no one is immune or can escape it. From my perspective the big question is, “What can be done about stress?” Perhaps there’s a pill you could take, or a button you could push, and it would all just go away? Sorry, it is just not that easy. But here are three things that may help you in handling the everyday kind of stress that we all face from time to time.

1. A Reasonable Amount of Stress is a Good Thing

Without a certain amount of pressure (stress) or (forced)encouragement, we would never get out of bed, do the dishes, walk the dog or perhaps even brush our teeth. Stress in reasonable amounts is an effective motivator that keeps the world spinning on its axis. Imagine a world where there was no pressure to get to work on time, or no consequence for not ever waking the dog or not balancing your budget. Stress, pressure from within or pressure from without, is a good and necessary component of societal life.

2. Stress Comes and Goes, So Often We Fail to Deal With The Root Causes

Ever notice that your in-laws stress you out but you never deal with it? Why? Because you know you only see them two times a year, for a total of 8 hours, and it is easier and less stressful to just let issues slide rather than go into the “tunnel of chaos” in order to fix them. Or the phone keeps ringing. You failed to pay a bill you know you owe, but you don't have the money, so you just get call display and turn the ringer off. Every stress has a root cause and they tend to be cyclical with rising and lowering levels of intensity. Because of this reality, we often choose not to make the hard call - deal with the root cause. Rather we choose to suffer the consequences. What would it take to not have to deal with the continual nagging of the bill collector? Probably it would take a plan, a budget and a lot of discipline over a long period of time. But once that period of time was done, the bill collector won’t be calling and you could turn the ringer back on. Often it seems easier to just ignore the root cause and take the consequences because stress come and goes and rises and lowers in intensity.

3. Too Much Stress Is a Destructive Force

It is true that stress comes and goes, waxes and wanes. But it is also true, the little stresses in life accumulate. Here is a truth. If you fall into the pattern of never or seldom dealing with the root cause of stress, it won’t be long be long before you discover, first hand, that too much stress is a destructive force. So what can you do? No Formula, but a simple start to complex issue. Ask yourself this simple question the next time you are really stressed out. What could I possibly do to lessen the pattern of this repeating stress in my life? Sit down get quiet and listen to your inner voice. If you are so inclined, pray and ask that the answer to this question to be revealed to you.

I want to thank my friends on Facebook who inspired this blog.

Keep posted for more.

WHEN ALL YOU HAVE IS HOPE...the inspiring story of Frank O'Dea

2011-12-12T15:53:00.000-05:00

Frank O’Dea’s life went off the rails in his early teens. Within a few years, he was living in 50-cent-a-night flop houses in Toronto’s bowery district where simply surviving was a challenge.

Against all odds, at the age of 23, with the courage to hope for a better life, and the spirit to forge ahead, Frank began the long road back. Fighting the formidable obstacles that hold back the homeless, the impoverished and the destitute, he overcame and rejoined society.

Then, as if that were not enough, he turned that same determination to the many obstacles in life that we all face. Within a few short years, he co-founded The Second Cup, which soon became the largest chain of gourmet coffees and teas in the country. Building on that success, he went on to co-found Proshred Security, a company that pioneered the entire industry of on-site document destruction. This company soon became an international organization with franchised operations in Canada, Europe and the United States.

Early on, Frank took steps to give back to the community. He began by serving on the boards of directors of charities and not-for-profit organizations. But the entrepreneur’s desire to innovate and build was not to be denied. In 1985 he co-founded Street Kids International, an organization developed to help homeless children in third world countries, through education and self-reliance programs. A few years later, he became the founding Chair of War Child (Canada), an organization that provides assistance against suffering and abuse of children in war affected countries. In the same year, Frank co-founded the Canadian Landmine Foundation, an organization that raises funds for the dismantling of minefields around the world. He went on to initiate that organization’s most successful fund raising program, "Night of a Thousand Dinners", with participation of people in 29 countries, raising millions of dollars.

Frank is currently the Chair of the Royal Roads University Foundation and is the CEO of Arxx Building Products Inc, and serves on the board of directors of a number of private corporations and not-for-profits.

Recognition for Frank O’Dea’s achievements includes Ontario Volunteer Award, Lifetime Board Member Renascent Treatment Foundation, Paul Harris Awards, Doctor of Laws Royal Roads University, Doctor of Laws Carlton University and Officer of the Order of Canada.

His inspiring story is retold in his book, "When All You Have is Hope" published by Penguin and available through this website or in bookstores across the country.

Discovering Who You Are and What You Are Really Good At

2011-12-11T08:46:00.002-05:00

Do you know who you are and what you really want out of life? Or has time and "happenstance" taken you by surprise? Can you clearly define who you are, why you were created, where you would like to be five, ten or fifteen years from now? Do you know what your strengths are? Do you know how to play into those strengths? Do you know how you best contribute to the world around you?

One of the things I love about my job is the opportunity I'm given to view and participate in the journey of discovery of individuals who are willing to question, challenge and change the status-quo of their life. Strength Finders is one of the many tools you can use to help you discover deeper meaning and purpose in life.

Want to get started? (Be warned...this is the "fire Hose" approach) Here are a few questions I often ask to help the process of change and transformation along: What do I want? What am I moving towards? Why do I want it? Why is it important? Who is it important to? Who else? How might I get it? What do I need to be to get it? How will I know I have it? If I had it already what would I have? What is the first step I can take now? How might I really commit to making this happen? Any wider commitments needed? What are other ways I can get what I want? How will I stay stay on track as I move toward what I want? Who could I ask to help me stay on track? What could derail me? What plans do I have in place just in case I am derailed? What is my contingency plan? What do I need to do now that will ensure my success? What do I need to continue to do? How will I maintain the process?

Next Step: Buy the book and do the online discovery process. If you think this is something you would like to pursue at a" life change level" give me a call or send me an e-mail. If you have any comments or questions please post.

Blogging Through Chazone (6)

2011-12-04T06:04:00.004-05:00

For Those Who Dare To BELIEVE... CHAZOWN by Craig GroeschelBlogging through Chazone: Entry 6

I spend a lot of time talking about BEING all you were created to be. Really, at some point almost all my coaching sessions end up on this topic. Some believe they were CREATED to be, while others believe they will BE what they CREATE. I have just become aware of a great resource that will be of particular help for those who believe they were CREATED TO BE. Hope you get a chance to pick it up and give it a read. CLICK HERE for purchase information and a quick look inside.

You have begun the process of discovering your core values and are beginning to reveal just what priorities make you turn down other highly attractive offers. because you know what--for you-- is indispensable.

It's now time to deepen our search. It's time to consider the ANGER-BLISS factor. As you continue to seek to clarify your values, ask yourself two more questions.

Question1: WHAT REALLY ANGERS ME?

We are not talking about your pet peeves, but rather what stirs righteous anger from deep within? What makes you mad on God's behalf? What just "shouldn't be!"? What offends your sense of justice and morality? Take the time to ask and ponder these questions. More importantly, take the time to write down your answers. Once you've done that, take it one step deeper and.....What does this reveal about me? When you have completed that, you'll be one step closer to knowing who you really are and what drives you from the core.

Question 2: WHAT BRINGS ME BLISS?

Once again, I don't mean mindless drug or alcohol induced euphoria. Your dog, your husband, wife, an old movie may also make you happy. But I am talking about more. What kind of relationship or activity brings you deep feelings of meaning and fulfillment, and happily drives you to achieve? What does that reveal?

What makes you angry? What brings you bliss? Two crucial questions that reveal the reason you were born. These are the values that drive the every day of your life.

Next Step: Purchase the book and begin the process of discovery. If you have any questions write them here or give me a call - send me an email.

Blogging Through Chazone (5)

2011-12-03T11:35:00.000-05:00

POST FIVE

By now you have probably discovered I am in the camp of those who believe you are given a vision by God that is uniquely yours. You can begin your search for your unique vision by looking carefully into three areas of your life. These areas reveal a great deal about the real you, and about the destiny God had in mind when he made you (pg.24). For our purposes, we'll call them the THREE CIRCLES: Core Values, Spiritual Gifts, Past Experiences. We are going to spend considerable time on each one.

CORE VALUES:

Here is the key thought: What you cherish at your core is what you aim at with your life.

When you were made, there were planted within your heart certain things you deeply value. They are hardwired into your heart. They are the things you would be willing to die for. They can explain your personal priorities and why you are different from everyone else on the planet. Call these your Core Values. Here are a few examples; the need for security, a love for adventure, a distastes for adventure :(, loyalty to home and family, a passion for justice and fair play, a pleasure in caring for and fighting for the underdog. As stated before: They're the things you'd be willing to die for. Your Core Values will rearrange and direct your energies, your time, your thoughts. If you choose to ignore them, sooner or later you will be miserable. If you identify them, you'll unleash your potential and set yourself up for fulfillment and success..

So, let's begin the process: What is most important in your life? Where do you refuse to bend? Your answers to these two questions reveal a CORE VALUE. It's a driving desire or priority - perhaps different from anyone else you know. It has been placed inside you to help you know where to aim your life. Spend at least two sessions of a half hour each and determine three or four Core Values. It should be an invigorating experience. When you have completed this task, this next question is: What priorities make you turn down other highly attractive offers because you know what is, for you, indispensable?

More work and helps on how to discover core values next time, but in the mean time.....enjoy who you are and who you are becoming!

POST FOUR

Take a moment to read all the previous posts to this point if you have not already done so. Now, write the final chapter in your life, the chapter the way you want it to be. And as you do, think about your life from this point forward. Forget the past, because you can't change it. During your final days, how do you want to be able to finish the following statements?

Your Epitaph:

The thing that was most important to me was...
People say I stood for...
I made a difference in my world by...
God was glorified because...
People knew I loved them because...
A two sentence summary of my life engraved on my tomb stone reads like....

As a person of faith I need to make it clear....it's my belief we don't become what we want...rather we become what we are...what we were created to be. When you understand or at least recognize the involvement of a Higher Power, you open windows of discovery far beyond yourself. As a result, I believe you were created FOR SOMETHING. Your CHAZOWN (ultimate reason for living) is more revealed than found or self made. Take all the time you need to think about that. It may be a matter of semantics or perhaps it is more...you decide.

So let's move on. Here are three important considerations as you attempt to unwrap who you are and who really hope to become: Who are you at your core.....what gifts have you been given....what past experience have you gone through? These are the three keys to understanding your CHAZOWN. We will examine them one at at a time, and eventually we will discover how they interact with each other to reveal the wonderful, unique creation you are! See you soon.

Post Three

For the most part, people just stumble half-heartedly through life hoping tomorrow will be better than today. No plan. No dream. Mostly just existing. Without vision. Without a big idea.

Everyone ends up somewhere. But few people end up somewhere on purpose. Imagine with me for a moment that there is a God and this God calls us to live on purpose keeping the end in view. Psalm 139 says God is the author of your creation. David a shepherd, king, poet and philosopher once wrote:

You created my inmost being;

You knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am wonderfully and fearfully made;

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

Your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me

Were written in your book before one of them came to be.

If you dare to believe there is a God and life does have meaning and purpose, then take another step in faith, and know that he has ordained you to a purpose. God calls us to live on purpose, keeping the end in view. And if all of that is true, then it is more than possible to conclude that I was born for this! This is what I was created to do and be! I have my Chazone, my dream, my vision, my revelation! I can jump out of bed knowing I am wired to succeed! God has a dream therefore I can dream! I can be all that I was created to be!

Can you imagine living this way? Imagine yourself living a life that continues to change the world even after you die? Imagine yourself living your life on purpose. Which begs the question; what is your purpose on this earth? What has God designed you uniquely to do? (That by the way....no one else can do.)

I will leave you with a final thought and question: Are you willing to let God disturb you with dreams so big that you don’t know how they’ll be accomplished?

See you next time as we begin the process of discovering your personal vision.

Post Two
Go ahead....you get to choose, you have a lot of say in how it will all end. Imagine yourself, at the end of your life reflecting back through the chapters of your life story.
What did my life add up to?
Did I really matter?
What did I live for?
Who will remember me?
What will they say about me when I am gone?
Why was it important that I existed?

These are the opening few lines (with a few adaptations) in Craig Groshel's book CHAZONE, pronounced khaw-ZONE (I throw that in because some of you have been asking). Over the next few weeks I will be unpacking, reviewing and summarizing the ideas and concepts of this book in a way that hopefully will help you to...Define your VISION, pursue your PASSION and Live your life on PURPOSE.

After Christmas, I am the toying with the idea of of running a "Chazown" small group where we actually take the time to discover our CHAZONE. If this of interest to you please let me know. I would love to have you join the group.

Join me next time as we explore....Everyone ends up somewhere. But few people end up somewhere on purpose.

Post one...
I spend a lot of time talking about BEING all you were created to be. Really, at some point almost all my coaching sessions end up on this topic. Some believe they were CREATED to be, while others believe they will BE what they CREATE. I have just become aware of a great resource (I am on page 87) that will be of particular help for those who believe they were CREATED TO BE. Hope you get a chance to pick it up and give it a read. CLICK HERE for purchase information and quick look inside. Below you can read what others are saying....

"It is depressing to how many people will go to bed tonight never having thought of how God wanted them to spend the day. As Craig points out, this is a deadly cycle that quickly culminates in a wasted life. Chazone reminds us of the brilliance of our God who carefully created us and empowered us for a life of purpose. I pray it rescues many from an eternity of regret and leads them toward the satisfying and meaningful life God intended."
Francis Chan, best selling author of Crazy Love

"Craig Groeschel is a leading voice among the new generation of communicators. He knows how to articulate people's deeply felt needs, and-even better-to help them identify and pursue their God-Given dream with passion and purpose."
John Maxwell, author, speaker, and founder of INJOY Stewardship Services and EQUIP

"I had a vision to present a vehicle safety presentation to young drivers, but always found an excuse not to start it. When God showed me my Chazone, I realized that I must no longer delay, and I began to put my vision into action. it took me approximately two years to put a vehicle safety program together. But my presentation has won positive feedback."
Barry, age 41

Have fun reading this. I'd love to hear your feedback and any movement that takes place as you decide; were you CREATED TO BE.....or will you be....WHAT YOU CREATE?

Four Reasons to Hire a Coach (testimonials)

2011-11-11T11:21:00.012-05:00

Sometimes life is messy and filled with noise. The picture you had in mind is just not turning out the way you thought it might. Too much to do, too many places to be, too many urgent demands on an already too busy schedule. Does this sound like you or anything you might be familiar with? On top of this, most people are handling workloads that used to be managed by two or even three people just a few years ago. Then of course there is life. Many people are simply overwhelmed!

So why would YOU engage a professional coach for yourself or your family?

Reason #1 - To Protect The “Most Important”. Knowing what to do first, what matters most, and how to handle the volume of demand on our time is a critical factor in all of the important things in life and work. You name it (money, family, work relationships, prospecting, planning, parenting and health) and it will most likely be affected dramatically by your ability to manage time by knowing, deep inside with deep conviction, what is most important.

Reason #2 - You Need A Skill Or Concept. Sometimes we just need to learn some things quickly. So much of how we are accepted and measured in today's world is impacted by how much we know and how quickly we can learn new things and integrate them with what we already know. Having a professional coach with a specialty in your area of need can speed this process along dramatically.

Reason #3 - To Avoid Burnout. Few people like change but some people deal with it more effectively than others. People who can roll with change and even embrace it tend to cope more effectively in whatever situation they find themselves. A professional coach (one with skill and no emotional involvement) can often help you sort through all the difficult choices, to a more effective, manageable organized life.

Reason #4 – To Learn The Power Of Your Own Mind And Spirit. In many cases we have the answers to even the most complex problems. Stress, although in low levels is helpful, is an idea killer. When mixed with fatigue, it can make you think there is no help or hope. This just isn’t true. You may be “blocked”, but in reality you need not be “stopped”. A coach can help you clear away the chaos and learn how to unleash the power of your mind and spirit to find your way.

Solution-Focused Coaching focuses entirely on the future, and moving forward past the blocks that all of us experience from time to time. Most people find a small investment opens doors of opportunity, clarity, and pathways to a more fulfilled life. The question they often face following coaching is; Why did I wait so long?

Bad Church Web Sites

2011-05-08T18:54:00.007-04:00

One of the most common questions I am faced with as a Church Consultant is: Why is our church not growing? A bad web site, is probably not my first answer but at some point you will need to look at your community impact strategy and how you expect people to find out you exist.

A bad web site? Could that be the reason no one new ever shows up at the doors of your church? Probably not, but maybe it is time to give your website another look. Tony Morgan, author of "Kicking Cockroaches" says: "I spend quite a bit of time visiting web sites from other churches throughout the country. In the process of trying to discover vibrant ministries, I find lots of uncool sites. With that in mind, I thought this list might be helpful."

Want to turn your online audience off ? Here are Tony's 10 Easy Ways to Keep me from Visiting Your Church Because I Visited Your Web Site:

1. Avoid telling me what’s going to happen at your church this weekend. I found churches that had weather reports but nothing about their upcoming weekend service. I found two churches that had prominent information about upcoming golf scrambles (which, as a golfer, I appreciated), but nothing about this weekend’s service. Why would I come if I don’t know what I’m going to experience?

2. Put a picture of your building on the main page. After all, ministry is all about the buildings.

3. Use lots of purple and pink and add pictures of flowers. Really. Are you expecting any men to show up? And for my benefit, please don’t put any doves on your web site. Doves scare me.

4. Make me click a “skip intro” or “enter site” link. I don’t have time for that and it’s very annoying. If I have to wait for something to load or have to click around intro pages to get to the real information, I’m probably going to skip your church service.

5. Add as many pictures and graphics as you can to the main page. My life is already complicated. I don’t have time to figure out what’s important at your church. If you dump everything on the main page, I’m assuming you don’t know what’s important either.

6. Use bad photography. If you can afford it, hire a graphic designer and professional photographer or purchase some stock photography, available at places like istockphoto.com. At the very least, find someone in your church who knows photography and can help you eliminate the cringe-factor from your site.

7. List every single ministry you have at your church. Frankly, I don’t care what ministries you have. I just want to know whether or not I should visit your church this weekend. My first step isn’t the men’s Bible study or joining your church’s prayer partners ministry.

8. Make it hard for me to get directions, services times, or information about what will happen with my kids. It’s important that my kids have a great experience. If you can’t convince me this will happen, I’m probably not going to risk visiting your service.

9. Put a picture of your pastor with his wife on the main page. That tells me your church is all about a personality, and I see enough of those people on television. I actually found a church that had not one but two pictures of the senior pastor on the main page. He was looking mighty dapper, though, in his fancy suit.

10. Try to sell your church rather than telling me how I will benefit from the experience. I don’t care how great your church is. I just want to know if visiting your church will help me and my unchurched friends take our next steps toward Christ.

Things That Make Me Laugh...(video)

2011-05-08T10:19:00.010-04:00

Since some of the best medicine possible is laughter, I got to thinking why not write a post that is completely dedicated to laughing. Here is to hoping this makes you laugh and brightens your day.

If you have anything that makes you laugh, pass it my way and have a great laugh filled day. New laughs every day.

1/ The ultimate office...
2/ Cat wars...
3/ Back seat driver...
4/ United Airlines...
5/ Don't play with sharp knives

Time and Life Management

2010-12-06T12:36:00.010-05:00

IT IS TIME TO TAKE CONTROL BACK

Tired of missing deadlines or not completing something you start? Discover new strategies for dealing with messes that poor time and life management can get us into.

Through these sessions you will learn:

* New ways to approach project management
* How to set goals that deeply satisfy
* To meet timelines and balance priorities and choices
* How to implement steps that lead to lasting change

Call us today and book your appointment 519-954-7099. First consultation and first session is always free.

Finding the Hero Within

2010-12-06T12:21:00.004-05:00

Sometimes the messes of life begin to squeeze and wear at who and what we really are.

Erwin McManus put it this way: "I may not know you personally, but this I know without question - there is a hero within you awaiting to be awakened"

This series of coaching sessions will help you:

* Identify your special gifts, passions and talents
* Create, imagine and dream
* Discover your specific contribution to the universe
* Gain satisfaction, peace and joy by being 'you'

Call us today and book your appointment 519-954-7099. First consultation and first session is always free.

What We Do

2010-12-06T11:53:00.004-05:00

Our years of pastoral and church planting experience allows us to work in three main areas:

1/ Leadership development (lay and professional)
2/ Back to the Summit - a customized follow up to the leadership Global Summit put on by Willow Creek Community Church Chicago Illinois
3/ Working through conflict and cleaning up church messes

For those who have used our services, here is what they have come to expect:
* More and better leaders
* Less conflict - more effective resolution
* More balance between mission, vision, and outreach
* More effective pastors, staff, volunteers and church

Please give us a call 510-954-7099 at and we will set up a time to discuss your specific needs and situation.

The Balanced Life

2010-12-05T14:45:00.011-05:00

If your life has started to drift or you’re unsure of your priorities, by taking a moment to evaluate what is most important in your life, what has worked well and what needs adjusting, you can achieve ‘balance’. These coaching sessions will help you set goals to see your preferred future become a reality.

Get off the tread mill and discover....

• Pathways to personal inner satisfaction
• Who you are, emotionally and spiritually
• How to set goals consistent with who you are
• The path to balanced living with family, career and finances
• The steps that lead to real change

Call us today and book your appointment 519-954-7099. First consultation and first session is always free.

Stress-Change-Unexpected Setbacks

2010-12-05T14:11:00.004-05:00

COPING WITH STRESS...
Navigating through life is often difficult. If something has ‘hit the fan’ - or a rogue wave has knocked you over, it may be time to take charge. This is your opportunity to create the life you want, rather than settling for the life you have.

During this coaching process you will:
• Discover the stages of a setback
• Learn how to use stress, setbacks and change as catalysts to creating a new beginning
• Formulate steps that will lead you towards a more rewarding future

Call us today and book your appointment 519-954-7099. First consultation and first session is always free.

The Scoop On Coaching (Gary Collins link)

2010-11-20T09:25:00.001-05:00

Here is an article I came across a few months ago, I think it is one of the best descriptions and differentiations of coaching and counseling I have ever seen. It really nails the benefits of coaching.

Catch the entire article and more on his web page. Gary R Collins Ph.D

Coaching helps people who want to:

Get unstuck

Build their confidence

Expand their vision for the future

Fulfill their dreams

Unlock their potential

Increase their skills,

Move through transitions, and/or

Take practical steps toward their goals.

How does coaching differ from counseling?

Unlike counseling or therapy, coaching is less threatening, less concerned about problem solving, more inclined to help people reach their potential.

Coaching is not for people who need therapy to overcome painful influences from the past; coaches help people build vision and move toward the future.

Coaching is not about looking back, it's about looking ahead.

Coaching is not about healing; it's about growing.

Coaching focuses less on overcoming weaknesses and more on building skills and strengths.

Usually coaching is less formal than the counselor-counselee relationship; more often it is a partnership between two equals, one of whom is a change expert who has experiences, perspectives, skills or knowledge that can be useful to the other.

What do coaches do to help others?

Coaches stimulate better skills. Good coaching helps people anticipate what they could become, overcome self-defeating habits or insecurities, manage relationships, develop new competencies and build effective ways to keep improving.

Coaches stimulate vision. How many churches or individuals have no vision? They keep doing what they have done for years, without much change and with little expectation that things will ever be different. Coaches work with individuals and organizations (including churches) as they think beyond the present, more clearly envision the future and plan how to get there.

Coaches help people grow through life transitions. Whenever we encounter major changes in our lives--like a new job, promotion, a move, the death of a loved one, the launch of a new career, or retirement--we face uncertainty and the need to readjust. Experienced coaches better enable people reassess their life goals, find new career options, change lifestyles, get training, re-evaluate their finances, or find information so they can make wise decisions.

Coaches guide people in their spiritual journeys. Many believers understand the basics of what they believe but they would like to spend focused time with somebody who has been on the spiritual road longer, can point out barriers to growth and can guide the journey.

Coaches speak the truth in love. Good coaches know that sometimes the best way to help is by refusing to ignore harmful behavior patterns. Instead, coaches nudge people to deal with attitudes and behaviors that should be faced and changed.

What Happens in Coaching?

Coaching is a relationship that most often is client-centered and goal-directed. Every coaching situation is unique but usually coaches will begin by exploring the issues that the person wants to change. In what areas does he or she want to grow? Sometimes the person wants to be a better leader, better self-manager, or someone with a clearer perspective about where he or she wants to go.

Then there is the need for better awareness of where the person is at present. What are his or her strengths, weaknesses, abilities, interests, spiritual gifts, values, and hopes? Often the coach will use assessment tools to enable people learn more about themselves.

Then comes vision - where coaching clients want to go. Coaches may assist people, organizations or churches to formulate life-vision or life-mission statements. Coaches might ask, for example: "Considering your gifts, abilities, driving passions, and unique personality, what is your life mission?" It takes time to answer a question like that, but without a clear vision, people, companies, organizations, churches, even governments tend to drift with no direction.

Often, coaches will help people set goals and plan ways to reach these goals.

When obstacles get in the way, coaches challenge, encourage, and give accountability so the person can get past the obstacles and experience success. A coach can help you to remove the blinders, allowing you to see what you already know, and give support as you move forward. A coach is there for you, listening to your concerns and asking questions that will give you clarity on your situation, get you past your own blocks, realize your potential, and challenge you to be your best.

A Greedy World? (part one) When is "Enough" Enough?

2010-09-18T07:25:00.000-04:00

Meet the ladies in the red. Columnist MP Dunleavey and six other women have come together online to strip away the myths surrounding money, speak frankly about their finances, and liberate themselves from debt. Follow their quest for financial fabulous-ness of these "Women in Red" every other Monday in Dunleavey's column on MSN Money.Here is what MP writes:

"We all have dreams of a sudden windfall -- whether it's winning the lottery, inheriting from a distant relation or the old "bank error in your favor." The underlying fantasy is that all you need is a little extra, and then you'd have enough to do X, enough to cover Y, enough to finally buy Z.

"Well, I just got an unexpected windfall, and it wasn't the starry-eyed moment of relief and possibility I'd always imagined. It was more like being handed a pop quiz by Fate with one question: "How much is enough?" As someone once said, "Enough is a little bit more than whatever you have now." How much is enough....have you ever wondered that? Have you ever sat down and figured it out?

"Is there ever a financial point in life, a dollar amount, a collection of assets or a lifestyle achievement that would enable a person to sigh: "Okay, now I have enough"? Or are so many of us brainwashed by the idea that More Is Better --more money, more things, just more -- that enough would always prove elusive?

In the next few blogs I want to unpack the mysteries of this phenomena that most of the world seems to have bought into; “Enough is slightly more than what I presently have”. I will present a case that there is an “enough” that can work, as well as suggest ways that we might move towards incorporating a different definition of enough into our lives and lifestyles."

Marriage Matters... Conflict (part one)

2010-09-18T06:10:00.000-04:00

I have been asked and often wondered myself; is the presence of conflict within my marriage or other relationships an indication that those relationships are in trouble? Here is my short answer.
The presence of conflict in relationships means nothing. The way you deal with and handle that conflict means everything!

In fact, conflict is a necessary part of the process of growing close. It often proves to be the foundation for true intimacy. So it follows that conflict is nothing to be ashamed of or even avoided.

But what I don't want to say is that all conflict is good or acceptable. The worst thing we could do is gloss over cruel, selfish, mean, abusive, violent, and/or destructive behavior.

Let's be clear. The presence of conflict in your marriage or other relationships is normal, so choose how to conduct yourself in that conflict in such a way that produces positive results. The way we deal with conflict determines whether we grow from it or are wounded by it. Now, if we were to apply this strictly to marriage, here are four revolutionary ideas...biblical ideas...that can change the way we look at conflict.

1/God is not finished with us yet. We are placed on this earth to grow and change. Often conflict within our marriage is a tool that God uses to produce those changes.

2/ Marriage will not always be enjoyable. Marriages are often like workshops, dangerous places. Marriage can be the ultimate workshop. Both intimacy and the potential for hurt is very real.

3/ We will sometimes resent the role our mate plays in the shaping process. Often we need conflict to make us uncomfortable and desire change. We need to learn to accept the role our mate is sometimes called to play in our lives, and we need to embrace the process itself.

4/ The presence of conflict means nothing. The way you deal with it means everything. Any tool sharp enough to smooth and shape can also rip and wound. The difference? How you are managing the tool. Stay tuned to this blog as we unpack five preliminary steps that that are crucial to managing conflict well.

Adapted by Joel Bennett from The Seven Conflicts: Resolving the Most Common Disagreements in Marriage, by Tim and Joy Downs

When is enough, enough? (part 2)

2010-09-17T08:45:00.001-04:00

When is enough, enough? (part two)

So when is enough, enough? Most of us (as I staed in part one) would answer that question as would much of the rest of the world... “slightly more than I presently have or own.

There is a fascinating little parable (story) in the Bible that is as relevant today, as the day it was written. Please take a moment to read it, it’s found in Luke 16:1-18. Can I be as so bold to suggest you read it from a modern translation of the bible, it’s much easier to understand.....try this one....clck here.

I am dedicating this blog to un-packing just a little further and little deeper what it means according to this parable to handle money wisely and by doing so, become a little more satisfied with wat we have rather than what we want. I don’t know about you ,but I want to arrive at a place in my life that “Enough is an enough”.

It is clear to me through the teaching of this little story and through my own personal life experiences, that there are certain things every person must “do” and “be” in order to gain satisfaction with what they presently have and own. If we are ever going to be answer the question “When is enough, enough” with “what I have right now” rather than always striving for more then it is obvious there are some things I must learn do and be.

So here is what I see as the first step in learning to be content with what you have and not always striving for more. Learn to ATTACK THE IDOL. What idol, what’s the idol you might ask? For clarity and simplicity sake we will name her/him Greed. This parable at its core...is addressing and attacking one of the most common-place idols in our culture: the love of money and the issue of greed. Columnist MP Dunleavey writes in her blog: (click here)

In the decades since the Depression, advertisers and marketers have played on this natural vulnerability to create a climate of constant consumer dissatisfaction. Whatever you have today soon won't be enough. By next week, you'll want something bigger, better, hipper, trendier.

That Pied Piper tune is hard to resist. Shopping, buying, getting, owning -- these form not only the cornerstone of how we live, but our identities, as well. The unfortunate mix of human nature and the current Zeitgeist of relentless materialism may explain why millions of Americans are overextended.

Marriage Matters (part two) (conflict)

2010-09-17T07:05:00.004-04:00

As I said in my last post: The presence of conflict means nothing; the way you deal with it means everything. So we will spend this blog article exploring what it means to set a healthy environment where ultimately conflict can be helpful, as opposed to hurtful. (click here to read part one)

If any of you have tried to grow something of significance you know it is all about the environment, the soil, the temperature, the right amount of rain and sunshine, and so on and so forth. Resolving conflict within committed relationships is no different. As creating the right environment is important for plant growth, it is as important or more important when wanting to resolve conflicts within marriage to have the right environment. Here are three steps that go a long way in developing an environment that allows conflict to grow intimacy rather than increase distance and destruction.

1/ Become an Ambassador of Goodwill. The most critical step is often the most simple. It begins by being honest about answering this question. Do I really want to resolve this conflict? Be careful here....it isn't as simple as it seems. Often our actions reveal that we are more interested in winning than solving, hurting than helping, punishing rather than forgiving. It doesn't seem like the efforts of a Goodwill Ambassador. Goodwill is the simple willingness to approach your mate with the same respect, kindness, and consideration that you would a stranger or how you would like to be approached in the midst of difficult circumstances. Do you really want to resolve this conflict? Taking on the attitude of a Goodwill Ambassador and refusing to wallow in or fling mud upon your grumpy partner, and instead displaying an attitude of respect, consideration, and kindness, will go a long way in setting up an environment critical to healthy conflict resolution.

2/ You Can Run, But You Can't Hide. Now the question changes slightly as we consider step two in building "Conflict Healthy" environments. Is it more important to you to resolve this conflict or simply avoid it? Research shows that in more than 80% of cases, men are the ones who avoid an approaching conflict. It's as if they considers discussing the problem worse than torture. Although avoidance is typical of men it is not limited to men.Hhere are some typical samples of avoidance: I rant and he puts up walls. I freeze up and stop communicating, so my wife just stops. Just yelling but not saying much. Always walking away. We tend to sweep conflict under the rug after we sugar coat it.

There are other forms of avoidance as well, but they all have a common goal: to simply end the conflict rather than do the more difficult and sometimes messy work of resolving it. It may work for a time and even allow peace to reign temporarily but what you most likely will discover is...it's a costly peace that won't have lasting effects. Only a sick person truly enjoys a conflict-but its the healthy person that realizes the only way to remain healthy is to face the conflict head on. They know... You can run but you can't hide.

3/ Identify Your Part in the Problem. Seldom is someone totally right or wrong or wrong and it's true; the most difficult arguments to solve are the ones when you are both right. The key to facing an argument head on rather than avoiding, sugar coating, or pretending nothing is wrong, is to learn to identify and own your part in an offense as quickly as you can. Can you relate to this? I find it easy to relate to my mates weaknesses, I find it almost impossible to identify my own.

Larry Crab Physiologist and a Counselor writes: Careful inspection of ourselves, particularly when we're angry, makes it clear that we suffer from a defect more severe than mere self-centeredness. The greatest obstacle to building truly good relationships is justified self-centeredness, a selfishness that, deep in our souls, feels entirely reasonable and therefore acceptable in light of how we've been treated.

Building an environment for healthy conflict resolution will never be accomplished unless we first realize the importance and then step up to the plate to own our own wrong intentions and wrong doings. So there are three simple, but hard to do steps that are crucial to creating an environment of health around resolving conflict: 1/ become an ambassador of goodwill 2/ refuse to avoid conflict when it arises 3/ attempt to own your part in the problem. In our next blog we will continue this conversation by asking: Who is in the room with you and Can you identify your dead ends?

Adapted by Joel Bennett from The Seven Conflicts: Tim and Joy Downs

Who's in the Room? ( part 3)

2010-09-16T11:21:00.000-04:00

Ever get the feeling someone is following you, when in actuality they aren't?

The first three steps in developing an environment of healthy conflict resolution, as mentioned in my last blog are:
1/ Become an ambassador of goodwill
2/ Refuse to avoid conflict and face it head on
3/ Do all that it takes to identify your part in the problem

There may be two other issues worth consideration. One is, Who's in the room with you? The other is, What are the dead ends you must consider?

Who's in the room with you? Back to the beginning. Ever get the feeling someone is following you but when you look there is no one there? Well take a closer look. Psychologist and corporate adviser Tom Barrett loves to ask this question, and would further suggest you evaluate whether anyone or anything in your past or present might play an amplifying role in your current conflicts. Here are four categories of things or people who could be "in the room" with you.

1/ Your Childhood A host of childhood memories can provide the breeding ground for a variety of insecurities. What if you were raised in a family where money was short and every argument was around the issue of whether or not this family could stay together? Can you imagine how that might affect your adult mind? It's no surprise that as an adult you might have an amplified desire and need for security. The issue of spending vs. saving is a source of conflict for many couples, but it's a far more difficult argument when a childhood fear is always in the room with you. So, who is in the room with you? If not your childhood, it may be a past relationship.

2/ Past Relationships For re-marrieds, past relationships are enormous amplifiers of issues. What you have experienced in the past often gets transferred to the present even though it may not be relevant to your present relationship. A husband who has experienced broken loyalties and trust in the past may become unduly obsessed with controlling and knowing the whereabouts of his wife at all times. The wife who has experienced abuse in her past relationships may be unduly amplifying the concern of her husband's need to know where she is at all times. In each case, an especially negative or positive experience may still be in the room with you as you attempt to negotiate the conflicts of your marriage.

3/ Mom and Dad The central idea of marriage is to leave your family of origin, cleave to your spouse and create your own unique family and set of experiences. Mom and Dad are sometimes difficult to leave behind. A father's criticism or a mother's approval can be powerful influences, sometimes continuing even long past the life of that parent. Sometimes loyalty conflicts are amplified by the positive experiences of a parent, for example, when a wife gives great priority to her father's opinion than to her husband's, or when a husband weighs his own wife's performance against that of his saintly mother.

4/ Current Stresses and Fears No argument takes place in a vacuum. It take place in the surrounding environment of daily anxieties, concerns and distractions. Current events can act as a catalysts that temporally intensify certain events. News of a friend who unexpectedly leaves her husband for another man may intensify your desire for loyalty, causing you to put unnecessary pressure on your spouse. A self-centered and thoughtless teenager may accelerate your desire for Caring and Appreciation. Long hours at home with a toddler may create great friction with an introverted spouse whose only desire is to stay home, watch TV and unwind.

So...who's in the room with you?

It may change from day to day, or even from moment to moment. But nonetheless, we must pay attention to who's in the room with us. What do you do once you've recognized an intruder? What steps do we take when we realize that someone or something is amplifying an issue in our marriage? Catch us in our next installment of this The Upside of Conflict Series, as we look at the fifth and final step in preparing for conflicts that ultimately end up helping and not hurting the relationship.

Click Here: For other blogs in this series.
Adapted by Joel Bennett from The Seven Conflicts: Tim and Joy Downs

Still Time To Register Your Team or Sign Up Individually

2010-08-01T11:43:00.022-04:00

I hope you have the opportunity to catch the Summit this year. After having sat through what I think was of the finest conferences in years, I am more convinced of the need to process what has been presented over time. From a practical and stewardship point of view, much has been invested and it is our responsibility and privilege as leaders to un-pack and leverage what has been taught in order to change our churches, leaders and communities forever.

Back to Summit, is your opportunity to join the growing number of churches partnering with Breakthrough to Unpack-Absorb-Internalize the valuable teachings of Willow Global Leadership Conference. If you have any questions or would like to book your team in for a set of sessions, please just give me a call 519-954-7099 or email me at joel@breakthroughsolutions.ca

Back to Summit was born out of both desire and frustration.

Desire: To see the local church and its leaders maximize the impact of a World Class, Top Tier Leadership Event that takes place every year.

Frustration: T.M.I. There is an overwhelming amount of information that, given enough time to unpack - absorb - internalize, has the potential to change everything. It can make a lasting difference in both the local church and the lives of its leaders. But it's concentrated into two days.

"Every year we drive home from Willow Summit so filled and fired up! We know deep in our souls what we have just heard has the power to change churches, leaders and whole communities. The team members who have attended are excited, rattled, and disturbed. Now, if we could just turn all that into effective realities for this next season."
Now you can....

A Greedy World? (part three) When is "Enough" Enough?

2010-05-19T10:43:00.002-04:00

In the last blog I quoted Columnist MP Dunleavey; "Is there ever a financial point in life, a dollar amount, a collection of assets or a lifestyle achievement that would enable a person to sigh: "Okay, now I have enough"? Or are so many of us brainwashed by the idea that More Is Better --more money, more things, just more -- that enough would always prove elusive"?

What a great set of questions. Have you ever stopped long enough to consider seriously for you personally; how much would be enough? There is a little story that addresses this issue quite thoroughly but I hesitate to tell you its source, for fear you might reject it solely based on where it comes from, the Bible. Luke 16:1-18 to be specific. It really is a good story with a good lesson. Why not go find a modern translation of the Bible and take a second to read it. (You may be surprised.)

The reason this ancient story was written was to inspire its readers to be smart about how they handle money. It encourages them to turn from greed, by learning to be shrewd and clever about how and what they spend their money on. Sounds kind of relevant to today doesn't it? As our personal and national debt loads loom out of control.

We live in a society wherein if individuals were asked; "how much is enough?", they are likely to answer with a smirk on their face, "Slightly more than I have." Dunleavey makes a reference to our reptilian brain she says: "It's like our reptilian brain has gone out of control. It's like we are back in the Paleolithic era, a windfall consisted of a large animal freshly roasted. Lacking dry ice, you had to eat your windfall while it was fresh. Then it was gone. The feeling of "enough" was fleeting."

What I love about this little story is it makes no bones about saying you can't serve two masters....God and Money. It also makes it crystal clear that money can become a "God" in and of itself. All the while the story encourages its readers to see money as a means to help and better society, rather than a commodity to horded for self pleasure. Wherein lies our modern dilemma, enough never seems to be enough.

In the decades since the Great Depression, advertisers and marketers have played on this natural vulnerability to create a climate of constant consumer dissatisfaction. Whatever you have today soon won't be enough. By next week you will want more, something that is bigger, better, thinner, hipper and trendier. It seems, enough is never enough!

Want to fight that? Want to buck the trend? Want money to serve you rather than being forever indebted to it? Tired of enough never being enough? Tune into my next blog where we will describe three specific mindsets and a set of choices that will free you forever. Or for as long as you choose to be free.

Joel Bennett (Success Coach)

Boys to Men

2010-05-06T06:00:00.002-04:00

One of the most exciting and rewarding things I do is come alongside young men as they work their way through adolescence to manhood. Although it is an exciting stage of life, Boys to Men can also be challenging... one of the most difficult periods of time for family, parents, and the the emerging adult as well.

It's that in-between time when our boys are no longer boys but neither are they men. Boys to Men is designed to provide support and guidance for both parents and their in-betweeners as they navigate this difficult stage of life transition.

Every situation is different and unique, so if you or you know someone who might benefit from Boys to Men please feel free to give us a call, send us an e-mail, or pass this information on to a friend. We offer this service through phone and Internet services as well as face to face.

Dead Ends (part four)

2010-04-29T05:10:00.015-04:00

Solving marital problems can be like freeing oneself from quicksand! The harder you try to make things better, the worse they get, it seems. The more you struggle, the more hopelessness sets in, which leads to frustration and, frequently, to the decision that the marriage is dead. But there is a good reason that marital problems stubbornly persist, especially in the face of intense problem-solving efforts. Often problems in marriage are maintained and aggravated by the particular way that people go about solving them. Here are four dead-ends you must make every effort to avoid if your desire is to strengthen, not weaken, the fibers that hold your relationships together.

1/ Dead-End Times
When is the best time to begin a weighty conversation? For years we have continued to make the same mistake; bedtime, just before you have to leave for work, in the middle of an important meeting, game, or significant event. These are not good times. When will we wake up and realize these are dead end times with little or no hope of anything good happening. I know time is the commodity of this generation, but we must choose times when calmness can prevail and we are not pressured by the ticking of the clock or the interruption of a preschooler pulling on our leg. Appointments are best, with designated child care, and where both individuals know and have set this as a priority time. That come hell or high water, will be honored and protected. Are there times in the day that just won't work for you? Then don't choose them. It's only the pathway to a dead-end conversation that will end up hurting rather than helping the relationship.

2/ Dead-End Settings
You are in a restaurant, and there is something you want to talk about, and since you place a high value on initiative and don't want to let this slip by, you take a chance and bring up a potentially explosive subject. But your spouse is not responding. Well, he is not responding to what you want him to respond to. Because his issue is - We are in a restaurant for crying out loud! What if someone overhears? What will people think? Just as there are dead end times, there are dead in settings and locations. Be careful to choose one that is conducive to good discussion.

3/ Dead-End Approaches
John Gottman claims that in 96 percent of cases you can predict the outcome of an argument after just three minutes. The deciding factor? The participants' basic approach. What are your first words when you want to bring up an issue? What is your face and body language expressing? If we begin with criticism, sarcasm and contempt, guess what we will end up with...criticism, sarcasm, and contempt. Don't doom the discussion before it begins. Pay attention to dead-end approaches.

4/ Dead-End Words
Have you ever considered that your actual word-choices may be part of the reason that conflicts escalate rather than conclude constructively? Here are just a few examples of dead end words and phrases: You started this...Don't be childish...Calm down...Be reasonable...You've got to be kidding...You are just like your mom!

These are all words you can choose to use, but rest assured, they are dead end words, going nowhere fast! We don't always push our mate's buttons on purpose, but choosing our words carefully and thoughtfully can go a long way in securing a helpful, rather than hurtful conversation. Words can be life or death. For this reason it is often a good idea to write your words down, talk them out loud, test their power, before you choose to deliver them.

Well that raps up this four part blog The Up-Side of Conflict. Here area few final words. By avoiding the these simple but hard to do dead-ends, combined with the other principles in this blog, you will go a long way in creating the environment where conflict has a chance to produce closeness and intimacy rather than distance and dissidence. It's my prayer that, when conflict arises, we learn the benefit of tackling it head on, with honesty and openness, in such a way that strengthens our bonds and reinforces the reasons we first fell in love.

Written by Joel Bennett adapted from The Seven Conflicts by Tim and Joy Downs

Life Coaching (testimonials)

2010-04-20T15:32:00.029-04:00

Angela Mac Donald creator and owner of For wellness natural services

I had the pleasure of working with Joel for 3 sessions and what I got from that experience was nothing short of amazing. Joel’s amazing keen intuitive sense helped him find and understand the deep rooted belief system I was holding. Joel was able to easily identify a change in thought so I could release my limiting beliefs around specific issues I was currently dealing with. This enabled me to bring in a sense of accomplishment into my thought process so I could move forward in the area I was struggling with. A few months back I organized a retreat for an international presenter and I had read all of Jerry and Ester Hicks books on the Law of Attraction. I had an ‘aaha’ moment there where I experienced the law of attraction working for me. Joel also brings the ‘law of attraction’ technique into your sessions with ease. You may not know it at the time but Joel is helping your consciousness brings forth what you are looking for in ways that will amaze you!

Brad Watson Lakeshore St. Andrew's Presbyterian Church - Windsor Ontario - Lead Pastor

Before working with Joel and Breakthrough, I was pretty "unfocused and diffused in my energy." Together, we re-focused my vision and values and mapped out a strategy of action items, and stayed on track through some gentle but firm accountability. Now my my life and ministry is experiencing greater focus, passion and impact. Let me encourage you, if you are experiencing anything similar to what I was, call 911 or Joel immediately! Don't wait any longer.

Erica Brandl is the Creator of Learning Evolves …Where Inspiration Meets Action! And, co-owner of Mind & Body Works … Changing Bodies. Changing Lives.

As a coach and friend, Joel has been pivotal in my continued success as a business owner and person. His ability to cut through limiting beliefs, reshape perspectives, and provide encouragement has not only uplifted me during times of challenge, but has given me a foundation for redirecting my energy in a way that supports my goals and my spirit. His gentle but forthright manner offers the sensitivity and strength I need to continue on my path, despite the obstacles.

Ruth Anne Breithaupt, Senior Pastor of Highview Community Church, Waterloo Ontario

Before I started working with Joel I was fairly convinced that I had been destined to live a mediocre life. I had a deep passion to make a difference on this planet somehow, but I kept being frustrated by the lack of competence I perceived in myself. By my 30th birthday I had pretty much resigned myself to my "limitations", and was giving up on greatness.

That is when I met Joel. He helped me identify my natural and God-given abilities and gifts and experimented with ways to interact meaningfully with them in my world. Joel was able to help me redefine who I was and that gave me hope that I could become all God had created me to be. We clarified values and sorted out the priorities, and this brought energy and focus to what I did and who I was becoming.

What difference it has made? When Joel was able to see potential in me and not only voice that potential but show me concrete tools and strategies for releasing that potential, it was like opening up new doors into rooms I didn't even know I had in my house. Twenty years later I have passed my 50th birthday and would never have imagined that I'd be doing what I do now. I do not feel limited or frustrated by mediocrity any more. In fact, I still feel like I'm discovering more about myself and what God has called me to be and do, and look forward to the future for all that it holds.

Most of us long for greatness. I believe that's a God-given longing meant to propel us forward and upward. But most of us also need help in unleashing our potential. If you're finding yourself frustrated by personal limitations, or you know that there are better things you long to do, please don't settle for mediocrity. Joel is a proven potential-spotter and personal trainer. I would strongly suggest you call him to find out where your life could be going, and who you could become.

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Brian Ogilvie, President of Ogilvie Daugherty Financial Services

I think what Joel brings to the coaching/consulting table is the commitment to encourage and support as he calls people to risk and stretch to their next steps of growth and development. As scary as that can be sometimes, his care, skills and insight provide the help needed to reach those inner goals.

Testimonials

2010-04-20T11:01:00.020-04:00

Chris Vacher, Director of Worship, Orangeville Baptist Church

I came across Joel's website through a mutual friend and was very intrigued by his E3 coaching offer. I had been on staff at Orangeville Baptist Church for almost five years and was looking for someone to help me work through some things which would in turn develop a significant, fruitful ministry here.

Together, Joel and I put together a strategy that will help me lead a core group of people in our worship ministry and to see that core group continue to lead our congregation in God-focused, Spirit-filled worship. I have begun to implement the first steps of this strategy and am very excited about where this will lead. People are excited about serving God together as part of our worship ministry and seeing the impact of their service continue for years.

Joel's insight and wisdom was extremely helpful for me and I have no hesitation in recommending him. For the sake of your church and your ministry, call Joel and ask him to help you work through some of the struggles you are facing!

Kevin Presseault, Lead Pastor, LifeSpring Christian Fellowship
Waterloo, Ontario

As a pastor it’s not always easy to invest in the church's leaders as much as I would like to. Sending the team to a yearly conference may ease that guilty conscience a little, but does have very little, long term impact on the lives of the leaders or on their ministry in the church.

Participating this year in Back to Summit has made a huge difference in our church! Instead of being a great motivating talk from some of the world’s best leaders, we were able to make each message applicable to our personal walk with God and to shape and strengthen our church for the future.

Working with Joel has greatly increased my effectiveness as a leader in the local church. Through our times together prepping for the Back to Summit sessions, he has been able to help me develop my ministry goals and strategies in order to bring the session alive for my leaders. I’m a better pastor because of Back to Summit.

After going through Back to Summit with my team, I wouldn’t be able to attend the Willow Creek Leadership Summit without this follow-up ever again. The combination of the conference and the coaching is by far, the best bang for our ministry dollars and a fantastic tool for building up the local church!

Todd Brown, Senior Pastor of Breslau Evangelical Missionary Church Breslau Ontario.

Before working with Joel and Breakthrough, I was pastoring an average sized church near Kitchener, ON. Joel met with me several times over coffee and listened to where our church was at as I talked about where we needed to go in the next year and what hurdles we were facing.

After that, I introduced Joel to our leaders and invited Him to coach us through a process of goal development for our church. He also attended a leaders’ retreat and continued the discussion with us there. In the midst of this he utilized a tool called Natural Church Development to further assess our situation. Instead of imposing something onto us, he really listened to us and helped us to come to our own conclusions, by asking the right questions and by swimming within our culture with us.

Now our church is experiencing a new era of leadership development. He helped us to identify that our church needed to develop new leaders and that we needed a process by which to make that happen. We now host leadership development groups called, “Boot Camp” in which we take developing leaders through a 5 month process of theoretical and practical development. Upon completion of the course, most attendees are stepping out in new ways, leading in new ways that make sense with their personalities and abilities.

If you are experiencing anything similar to what I was, call Joel immediately! Don’t wait any longer. We all can get “stuck” in our situations, not able to see the next steps. An outside perspective from someone like Joel, can add a freshness into the mix that produces something new and exciting.

Ruth Anne Breithaupt, Senior Pastor of Highview Community Church comments on her experience with Willow Global Leadership Conference and then Back to Summit.

I'd hear it every year. "Amazing teaching and leadership concepts! I feel like I've sat with a tiny cup under a fire hose. How can we unpack this to get the most of what we've learned?" Back to Summit has been the answer for us. Once a month on a Saturday morning, the Leadership Team at Highview, unpacked the concepts first heard at Summit, then sought to develop concrete applications and action steps for our ministry. Through reviewing the talks on DVD, then being led in group discussion and personal reflections, we have been able to assimilate far more of the values and ideas presented last August. Joel's long term understanding of the local church, combined with many years of association with Willow, made him the perfect catalyst to lead this unique and exceedingly helpful series of sessions for our leaders. I can't imagine doing Summit without Back to Summit anymore.

Call and book your space today 519-954-7099. E-mail joel@breakthroughsolutions.ca

2010-03-31T15:53:00.018-04:00

Ruth Anne Breithaupt, Senior Pastor of Highview Community Church comments on her experience with Willow Global Leadership Conference and then Back to Summit.

I'd hear it every year. "Amazing teaching and leadership concepts! I feel like I've sat with a tiny cup under a fire hose. How can we unpack this to get the most of what we've learned?" Back to Summit has been the answer for us. Once a month on a Saturday morning, the Leadership Team at Highview unpacked the concepts first heard at Summit, then sought to develop concrete applications and action steps for our ministry. Through reviewing the talks on DVD, then being led in group discussion and personal reflections, we have been able to assimilate far more of the values and ideas presented last August than we ever have been able to before in previous years. Joel's long term understanding of the local church, combined with many years of association with Willow, made him the perfect catalyst to lead this unique and exceedingly helpful series of sessions for our leaders. I can't imagine doing Summit without Back to Summit anymore.

Kevin Presseault Lead Pastor
Greenbelt Baptist Church Ottawa Ontario

As a pastor it’s not always easy to invest in the church's leaders as much as I would like to. Sending the team to a yearly conference may ease that guilty conscience a little, but has very little, long term impact on the lives of the leaders or on their ministry in the church.

Hear What Others Had to Say....

A great way to work through the Summit Leadership material...in a more detailed way than possible at Summit itself.

The series has allowed me a time of personal reflection which when corporately discussed sets unity and vision in our church and for me personally.

"Back to Summit" empowers the local church to move what it has learned in the conference into our communities, congregations and personal lives through discussion and application. The monthly events allow the growing process to take root and our focus to be sharpened to expanding His Kingdom."

"Back to Summit" has been an amazing time of connecting, learning, reflecting and strategizing with other church leadership. It has been a much needed regularly scheduled time of valuable retreat and planning that would not have happened otherwise. Thanks so much to the Back to Summit organizers and leaders.

Doing "Back to Summit" has enabled me to revisit the powerful lessons I originally learned at Summit. It challenged me to find practical ways to translate leadership principles into ministry realities by slowing the process and giving adequate time for reflection and implementation.

Click here to return to home page.

Attend the Summit...Process It Over the Next Year

2010-03-31T13:34:00.014-04:00

ATTEND WILLOW SUMMIT
It begins with attending Willow Creek Global Summit. The Global Leadership Summit is all about"Stirring Up"and "Calling Out" the very best in leaders.

PROCESS SUMMIT OVER TIME
Back to Summit is all about taking that "Stirring Up" and "Calling Out" of leaders and providing a context in which their ideas, thoughts and impressions can grow and mature. It is a means by which to UNPACK what was heard, ABSORB that which is important, and INTERNALIZE and apply the relevant truths in such a way that your church, community and its leaders, are changed forever.

We will work closely with your Senior Pastor to develop a tailored plan that strategically address the issues you want implemented throughout the year.

Now it is time to check out what those who have participated in Back to Summit are saying.

My Story of Recovery (part1)

2010-03-17T14:58:00.003-04:00

With a job that has him traveling around the country firing people, Ryan Bingham (George Clooney) leads an empty life out of a suitcase. What is so shocking about this movie is its relevance to our world right now. With the economy the way it is, what shows up on the screen is more a reality than story, more painful than pleasurable. The countless testimonies of what it means and how it feels to be fired are disturbing, to say the least, and not particularly entertaining. At least that is how it hit me. But maybe that is because of what is in my "Back Pack". (See the movie to fully understand the significance of the metaphor.)

My story is the story I saw on the screen. Fifty five years old, starts a new job in a new province, in a field of great familiarity and competence. Expectations are high that this is the job where I will be able to focus on the strengths and learning's of over 30 years in church ministry. Then, 16 months in... Fired! Quite disturbing to have your dreams, expectations and ego crumpled and crushed in a process over which you have no control. What do you do? You move on. You have no choice...you don't work there anymore.

One of the many sub thoughts in the movie (propagated by those doing the firing) is that terminations are good things, opportunities for new beginnings. And because I have sat in the chair and heard those comments, I know both the "Bull" and the "Truth". The "Bull" - The comment is often only one line, in a series of lines, to make a horrible thing not seem so horrible even though it is. It also is a statement that seems to serve the company's conscience more than the stranded employee. Unless delivered with great skill, true empathy, deep concern, and a committed action for the benefit of the terminated employee, it will be perceived as so. The negative effect will often be felt for months, sometimes years.

So now that we know the "Bull" what is the "Truth" inherent in the idea that being fired - or being ripped out of any secure position in life for that matter - can be a great opportunity?

That is for next time in part two....An Idea from Iowa.

My Story of Recovery (part 2)

2009-12-21T10:05:00.012-05:00

An idea from Iowa...saved my life. Let's begin by saying I truly believe humans are created resourceful beyond imagination. I love the way Irwin McManus expresses it in his book Wide Awake...

"I may not know you personally, but this I know about you without question-there is a hero within you awaiting to be awakened."

So where is the hero within? So what is the good that can come out of being 55, thinking you are in your last job, setting up for a nice cozy retirement, only to find your dreams and hopes dashed with two short words..."Your Fired"? I have to admit that those two words threw me and put me into a "funk" for quite some time. First there was panic...then it was my wife's turn, and her panic on top of my panic, just increased the volume of the un-certainty that lie ahead. Add in shock, hurt, fear, anger, insecurities, my own inadequacies, the need to re-locate and find meaningful work and it is easy to see, how this could spiral into to something you might not want to talk about and probably never write about.

I wish I could say I handled it all well but in all honesty I didn't. It took much longer than I ever would have hoped, but now (the better part two years later) I can look back and almost say....I am glad I was fired...It rescued me from something I would have never taken myself from. I have a new life...a new perspective....new dreams...new goals and new energy to move on to the next great task, that brings purpose, meaning and significance to my life. In essence I am doing the same thing I have done for the past 30 years only in a new format. How did I get there? Unfortunately I can't claim to have all the answer's and this is my story and how I am journeying along in it, but I do hope there are some helpful principles that you can glean from my experiences.

First it was important to get out of the funk of always focusing on the past. One thing I discovered was the more I dwelt, thought about, pondered, went over and over in my head every conversation I had had in the past two years, wondering how that had contributed to my firing, the more confused, angry, fearful and discouraged I became.

Now don't get me wrong...you must take stock and take responsibility for what ever part you may have played in your own demise, but it has to have an end. Take all the time you need to grieve properly. This is a big loss. In many cases loosing a job or being fired is very similar to loosing a loved one. You need to grieve but at some point you must move on. History is history, what has happened has happened... no amount of thinking or wishing it were different can change what has happened. So take inventory, take responsibility, apologize, (if appropriate) learn from it, develop new habits and then move your thinking to the future.

That is where the idea from Iowa saved my life. "Dad....Frank and I, (my daughter and her husband and their two very cute grand babies, live in Iowa) have been thinking; We think you'd make a really good Counselor, you are well connected, know a lot of people, why don't you do that?" My response....."Not in this Life Time!!" But that brief conversation... that "IDEA"... turned my world upside down.

Next time, I'll talk about....How ideas can provide a platform for positive change. Please leave your comments, they are important to me.

My Story of Recovery (part 3)

2009-12-20T13:32:00.008-05:00

The human spirit is extremely resilient. Like a dried up flower often only needs a few drops of water to recover its beauty and stature, the human spirit often only needs a focus point in order to rise and thrive again.

So I took inventory, and responsibility. I apologized for my inadequacies and failures, and I began to move on. This is where the idea from Iowa saved my life. "Dad....Frank and I, (my daughter and her husband live in Iowa) have been thinking. We think you'd make a really good Counselor, you are well connected, know a lot of people. Why don't you do that?"

That is not what I ended up doing but it was the seed thought which accelerated my pace of recovery, as I began to envision my past as the key to re-framing my future. For over 30 years I have been immersed in the lives of people and their projects. I had coached, mentored, and encouraged individuals, businesses and churches to reach their maximum God given potential. My experience in business, service clubs, church, family, adolescent development and the community, had positioned me not only to survive this unexpected set back, but to thrive! Once again I would feel the thrill of doing what I do best... helping people and churches be all that they can be.

So August 22, 2009 I went down to city hall and officially registered Breakthrough Life Coaching Solutions as a sole proprietorship. Today, six months later, I am absolutely convinced it was the right thing to do. I am now at the point where I can "almost" say; “thank you for firing me”, for it has rescued me from something from which I would have never taken myself. Now I have a new life, new perspective, new goals, new dreams and a new energy to move on to the next task, all of which brings purpose, meaning and significance to my life, and a world of difference to those that I influence.

Did I ever think of throwing in the towel and giving up? Absolutely, but as it turns out (lucky for me) the human spirit is extremely resilient and all it needs is a focus point. Next week, (in the final installment of this blog) more development on this idea of "focus" and three stages you must travel through in order to “Thrive, Not Just Survive” change, transitions and un-expected setbacks.

My Story of Recovery (part 4)

2009-12-19T14:47:00.005-05:00

Well this is Part 4 and it is time to wrap this story up.

As I look back at this horrendous experience of being fired, I don't think - no, I know - I wouldn't be where I am today without the advantage of good friends, a great spouse, and a God who deeply cares and empowers me. With that in mind, here are the three stages of recovery as I traveled through them.

STAGE ONE: HANG ON...This is the white knuckle stage and it is all about survival. Sometimes our setbacks, changes and transitions are so severe, all we can do is survive the first half hour after we receive the news. Although being unexpectedly fired is not a life and death situation, those first few days were very difficult. Where am I going to live? What am I going to do? How is my wife going to take this? What do you mean I have to be out of my office today? "No, you are not allowed to speak to your staff....we will do that for you." Eighteen months of relationship building, caring and working for the good of others, flashed right before my eyes in an instant. First it was shock, then it was anger, and then some more shock and some more anger. The process of recovery was not quick for me. It took many months, perhaps as long as year or so, to get out of the funk of always focusing on the past and what had been done to me.

It was a process, but as I began to progress through this stage(Hang On) and focus more on my preferred future, I became less apt to worry, fret, ponder, and get angry. The tendency to continually replay conversations in my head, replaying that led nowhere other than to more despair, more anger and more questions, began to slowly dissipate. I had to escape what I have come to describe as the "spin zone". This had to stop! I was so consumed with the injustice of it, all I could think of nothing else. Yet my energies were needed elsewhere. There was still an urgent need to craft a future for my wife and I. I had no choice but to leave the past behind and focus on the future. It was at that point I slowly began to move into the second phase of my recovery, the Hold On stage.

STAGE TWO: HOLD ON...This is where the idea from Iowa saved my life. Although I never became a counselor, that idea was the seed thought for what I finally decided to focus and set my eyes upon (Breakthrough Life Coaching Solutions). The Hold On Stage can have its tense days. In the early days of Hold On, there is a great temptation to fall back into the destructive behavior of dwelling on the past, on the "what if" scenarios of life, which only feeds the anger and frustration, and keeps you in a constant state of "flight and fight" living. Time will lessen this, but it takes great discipline and the ability to take your thoughts captive, allowing only the thoughts that will propel you forward into your preferred future to be considered. You will know you are progressing through Hold On when you begin to notice your thoughts are becoming more focused on what you plan to do, and how you plan to do it.

For me, as the process gained momentum I began to think and ponder, What I have done in the past that was significant? Who have I been able to influence positively? How have I been gifted by God to make a difference? What could I do now that is consistent with who I am, and will make the most difference now and into the future? As I began to ponder these questions and other similar ones, I found myself dreaming again. I began to engage with a few close friends about my thoughts and, in an informal way, we crafted a new future for me, based on what I loved and had done well in the past well. I was now thinking and dwelling daily on what lie ahead. The past began to fade in importance, and as each day passed, I found myself getting more excited about what lay ahead. I was now ready to Move On.

STAGE THREE: MOVE ON...This is the stage when you are actively and consistently pursuing a new direction and new future for yourself. The past is the past...there have been many valuable lessons and hopefully you learned from them, but you must move on. For me, I moved through a grieving process. I made the apologies that were necessary, and forgave (and continue to do so to this day) those that I felt had wronged me. Then I put it in a bag...it was history...there was no more time or benefit to be gained from peeking into the bag or letting it escape from the bag. It was done! My primary thinking was now dedicated to what lay ahead.

Over the next few months with the help of friends, business coaches, and other experts, I began to build the idea and the structure for Breakthrough Life Coaching Solutions. I took what I had done well in the past (mentor people to their fullest potential), and re-framed it into something that will not only change my clients' lives, but is also deeply satisfying and fulfilling for me. Now I wake up every morning with possibility on my my mind, wondering what small thing can I do today that will make a big difference, wondering who will be touched today, who will reach their God given potential, who will make a difference in someone's life today?

Well that is my story, that is how I dealt with the unexpected set back of losing my job at the age of 56. I hope this has been helpful and will not only encourage you, but propel you through whatever change, transition or set-back faces you. Be encouraged, the human spirit is resilient, God is with you, and it is more than possible to just survive tragic events. We were made to thrive and grow through them.

So...you want to thrive? My final words are those of Captain Jean-Luc Picard. "Make it So."

Do I Really Need a Coach?

2009-09-30T13:31:00.008-04:00

Great question? But probably not really a fair question. If I were to ask you that about the Toronto Blue Jays or the Montreal Canadians or for you Americans, the Red Wings, do they need a coach? You'd probably say yes. But I'd say a more accurate answer may be....it depends on the results that you want. Let's face it, no one NEEDS a coach, (I played hockey for years without one) but the likelihood of achieving your goals, whatever they are, are greatly increased when you invite someone with skill and an outside perspective to whom you have given permission to join you in your journey.

Seldom is excellence achieved by one person alone. Most successful people, teams or organizations have a host of supporters playing different roles, all contributing to success. That is what a life coach does. H/She joins your team and fights for your success. A Life Coach is not a counsellor or psychologist or therapist but can play a significant role in your life. Professional coaches, through a partnership with the client, are there to help produce positive results, whether in their professional or personal lives. They help people perform better and ultimately improve the quality of their lives.

Do I NEED a coach.....quite honestly.....you could live without one....but your life might run smoother and more successfully if you had one. A life coach is more of a partnership than anything else. It is a support system with one goal in mind: improving your quality of life. Often coaches are engaged during periods of transition. Here are just a few reasons people engage life coaches:

Reassessing life goals and the need to develop better action plans
Life and work have got out of balance (again!)
Work, marriage, life is all going well and I want to keep it that way
A very stressful situation is just around the corner
Kids are great but they sure can stress out a relationship
Time manage issue are out of control (again!)

Trained to listen, observe and provide a set of customized tools as an approach to the client’s needs, the coach will work to find solutions and strategies that will raise the client to success once again. So why does it work? Why do good coaches have good teams? Because they choose to work together....each bringing their own skill set.

Tiger Woods, at the top of his game, still works on improving his skills. He relies on his coach to make sure he still has the edge. A similar bond exists between the life coach and the client. Together they commit to make the changes necessary for a better, more fine tuned, high quality, high impact life and lifestyle.

Unpack - Absorb - Internalize Willow Creek Leadership Summit

2009-08-03T08:00:00.005-04:00

Ruth Anne is the Lead Pastor of Highview Community in Kitchener Ontario. She is a personal friend as well as a friend of Breakthrough solutions. Once again I look forward to partnering with her and other churches in BACK TO SUMMIT to bring about change, relevance and maximized leadership.

Joel Bennett

WILLOW SUMMIT
Each year there seems to be so much more to be gained than what gets packed so brilliantly into the two days of the conference. As the pastor of a church committed to leadership development, I am keenly aware of missed opportunities to properly process all we've heard and experienced. Some of my leaders even express that there's "too much" to take in, and are overwhelmed, not knowing how to properly apply what they've heard. There's the Team Edition DVD set, but.....how can we fit this in to our already "abundant" ministry lives?

BACK TO SUMMIT allows you and your leaders to take full advantage of some of the best teachings in the world on leadership and the emerging church, without stressing your time and energy. We can process and apply the principles presented at Summit, AND reinforce the value that reaching the Region of Waterloo is best done when churches work together.

THE CONCEPT
Gather leadership and ministry teams from approximately three churches to unpack and apply the lessons learned at Willow Summit 2009.

Meet monthly together (8 sessions over the season) to eat breakfast, watch some or all of the Summit DVDs, and be led in discussion for the purpose of unpacking, absorbing and internalizing.
Sessions would be led by Joel Bennett of Breakthrough coaching consulting solutions, and would be specifically tailored to the needs of the participating churches.
There is controlled attendance and fee per church for participation. There would be approximately 24 hours of assimilation and learning time over 8 sessions.

NEXT STEPS

If you are interested in more information or investigating this further please contact me by e-mail and I will set up a time when all those interested can meet with myself and Joel to ensure it is a meaningful, personalized and productive experience for all. rabreithaupt@buildingbiggerhearts.ca.